The following was found posted very low on a
refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and
contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate
and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR
and is not a racetrack.
Racing me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster
than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.
I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the
couch to ensure your comfort, however.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball
when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
each other, stretched out to the fullest extent
possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out on the other end
to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from
the bathroom!
If, by some miracle, I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary
to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or
get your paw under the edge in an attempt to
open the door.
I must exit through the same door I entered..
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years
canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is:
Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or
cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted
the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND
LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals.
To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short,
hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..
Home 
