wiseguys strange thoughts

wiseguy wrote:

wiseguy wrote:

A very wise man once said:

"You should treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner, when she stops
sucking, replace the bag.

think i need a new vacum

eh, shouldn't that read "old bag"?

nah shed kill me if she read it

Peggy wrote:

wiseguy wrote:

wiseguy wrote:

A very wise man once said:

"You should treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner, when she stops
sucking, replace the bag.

think i need a new vacum

eh, shouldn't that read "old bag"?

oops!

wiseguy wrote:

nah shed kill me if she read it

oops!

wiseguy wrote:

I saw on the news that thousands of Indians were out watching the recent solar eclipse.
That'll explain why I couldn't get an answer when I tried to phone my bank.

Eh, wait until the Maya calender circulates!

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
as the beers wear off

a fish is caught by its mouth a man by his word

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.


Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.


A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'


Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.


How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.


A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?


A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting
people?
I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community
service.

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter
nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based
murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'.

"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so f*****g temperamental."

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody

-How come wrong numbers are never busy?

-Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up
over"?

-Does killing time damage eternity?

-Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

-Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

-Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish-
washing liquid made with real lemons?

-Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

-Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

-How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

-How many weeks are there in a light year?

-If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her
friends?

-If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make
foghorns out of?

-If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

-Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?

i think 1 of the most dangerous thinks to try is jumping a ravine


































in 2 jumps

What does an atheist say when she's having an orgasm?
"Darwin! Oh, Darwin!"

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?