Jokes that only work in Scotland

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa deer," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

Aman takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."

These are class wg.

Love all of them mazzie, especially the first and the last. :lmfao:

i cant understand them ;)

As Jim Royle would say..................................MY ARSE !

i would any womans arse

big brian emailed me this im putting it in here because i doubt the overseas members will have a clue what it mean
:D
A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
The Gamekeeper shouts,
'Dinnae drink thon waater! It's foo ae coo's keech an' pish!'
The man replies,
'My Good fellow, I'm English. Could you repeat that in English for me.'
The game keeper replies,
'I said, use two hands - you get more that way!!! :D

Good one wg. That one can be changed to suit all sorts.

A teacher was testing children in his Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to heaven.

he asked them, 'If he sold his house and car, had a big jumble sale and
gave all his money to the church, would that get him into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

If he cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get him into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now he was starting to smile.

Well, then, if he was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the

children, and loved his wife, would that get him into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'No!'.

he was just bursting with pride for them.

he continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'







A six year-old boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTO BE F**N' DEAD......!!!!!

:baby roll: :baby roll: :baby roll:

:la up: :lmfao: :lmfao: :lmfao: :la up: :lmfao: :lmfao: :lmfao: :la up:

:baby roll: :baby roll: :baby roll:

the hen house
The priest in a small Scotish village loved the c**k and ten hens he kept in
the hen house behind the church But one Saturday night the c**k went
missing. The priest knew that c**k fights happened in the village so he
started to question his parishioners in church the next
morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a c**k?"
All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a
c**k?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c**k that
doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY
c**k?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

Damn those Scotish Priests ....

There are two things a Scot likes naked.
One of them is malt whisky!

***

Sandy became depressed and decided to end it all by hanging himself. However, his friend Donald came along in the nick of time, cut the rope and saved his life.
Sandy, true to form, sent Donald a bill for the cost of the rope.

***

Dad: " Did you use the car last night ? "
Little Sandy: " Yes, Dad. I took some of the boys for a ride."
Dad: " Well, tell them I found two of their lipsticks."

***

Teacher: " What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested ? "
Little Sandy: " A teacher."

***

Donald: " I always feel that I'm covered in gold paint, doctor."
Psychiatrist: " Oh, that's just your gilt complex."

***

In the highlands, in the country places,
Where the old men have rosy faces,
And the young maidens

Quiet eyes. - Robert Louis Stevenson

***
Marriages are all happy, it's having breakfast together that causes most of the trouble.

***

Seems that a Clan Chiefs daughter was offered as a bride to the son of a neighboring Chief in exchange for two cows and four sheep.
The big swap was to happen on the shore of the stream that separated the two clans.
Father and daughter showed up at the appointed time only to discover that the groom and his livestock were on the other side of the stream.
The father grunted, '' The fool doesn't know which side his bride is bartered on."

***

A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop.
The man said, " How about a date later ? "
She said, " I'm married."
" So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend."
She replied, " You tell him yourself- he's shaving you."

What do you call a dwarf that falls into a cement mixer?
A wee hard man
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Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow ?
They couldn't find a virgin or three wise men. :lmfao:
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What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe ?
Wee Shooey.
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What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe and
can't find his dog ?
Wee Shooey Douglas.
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A guy walks into a GP's surgery.
"Doctor , Doctor! He cries , "you've got to help me, I feel like
I'm turning into coconut"
Says the doctor, "You're bountae "
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What did Dracula get when he came to Glasgow ?
A bat in the mouth.
------------------------------- :baby roll: -----------------------------
There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its
hoalidays ?
The wan wi a wee calf.
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What do you call an illegitimate insect ?
A fly bastart. :lmfao:
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Hear about the lonely prisoner ?
He was in his cell.
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What famous costume drama TV series of the 1970's was named
after a queue for the toilet ?
The Aw Needin Line.
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The man in the clothes shop insisting on a maroon jacket.
"Fur ma roon shooders"
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Hear about the stupit skindiver?
He didny have a scuba.
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Did you hear about the London criminal who fell foul of the
Glasgow Mafia?
Apparently they made him an offer he couldn't understand.
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What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a social worker ?
Ye can get yer wean back aff a Rottweiler :lmfao:
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What do you call a Glasgow Sikh who enjoys karao ke ?
Gupty Singh
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Two Glesga boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub
discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything
organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception,
the
rings, the minister, even ma stag night...
Archie nods approvingly.
"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues
Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's grand, you'll look pure smart
in that!
"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..." :lmfao:
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A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother
he's been
given a part in the school play. 'Wonderful. Whit part is it?'
she asks
The boy says, " I play the part of the Scottish husband " .
The mother scowls and says,
'Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!
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A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room,
waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined
the baby,
checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked
if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts
for a while
in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said,
"No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk !"
I know," she said, "ah'm only his Granny, but noo I'm glad I
came son!" :bouncy:
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One day a Primary 1 teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read,
"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full
of straw and said,
Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my
house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said,
"I think he said ' F****** hell! A talking pig! '
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes !
---------------------------------------------
A wee woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in
Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilet pepper!" yelled the woman
------------------------------------------
This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when
his wife
sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying
pan.
Whit wis that fur?" he cries
"That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets
with the name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she.
Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the
races
Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on." She seems
satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the
house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading
when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out
cold.
When he comes around,he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?"
"Your horse phoned!" she said.
----------------------------------------
A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to
sleep,
the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering
if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says,
"I've got a better idea .let's kidd-on wir married.
" Why not," giggles the woman.
Guid", he replies. "Get yer ain blanket"

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative -

'Aye right.'


************************

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint,is walking down Argyle Street
when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!

'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.

'Piston broke,' he replies.

'Aye, same as masel... ;)

They never get tired wg.

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub ? He turned to his wee wifie before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you ?'
'Nah, Jock replied, I'm switching the central heating off while I'm oot.' :wg,s:

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an extraction.

"$85 for an extraction sir" was the dentists reply.

"Och! huv ye nay got unythin cheaper", replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir", said the dentist.

"What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70", said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi' oot anaesthetic", said the Scotsman.

"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism, and it'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40", said the dentist.

"Och that's still a bit much, how aboot if ye make it a training session and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watchin and learnin", said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Hmmmmm, well OK, it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case", said the dentist.

"Wonderful, it's a deal" said the Scotsman ... "Can ye book me wife for next Tuesday?

what's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney
Bing Sings Walt disnae


a one legged spanish gym teacher...Juan san shoe


a spanish stripper...senior wullie

:wg,s: :wg,s: :wg,s:

What did one siamese twin say to the other siamese twin?

"Have ye seen oor Wullie?" :D

:wg,s:

A Jute Mill lassie that's getting merried goes to the registrar's office to get a licence.


"Now you're a spinster...", says the registrar.

"No eh'm no," says the lassie, "eh'm a weaver"

"Never mind that" says the registrar, "just write down spinster on the form".

"Dinna ca' me a spinster" she says, "eh telt you eh'm a weaver".

"Look, lassie", say the registar, "are you ignorant?'

"Eh", says the lassie, "fower months".