"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.'
I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
" I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."
" I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'.
He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.'
He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.' :lmfao:
I went to Milletts and said 'I want to buy a tent.'
He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'
I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?'
I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'
I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
" I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"
" I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'" :lmfao:
" I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum, my dad, my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu.
But I think it's Colin."
" I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'
I swerved.
Then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're Managing Director.' -and I went into a tree.
A policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
I said 'I careered off the road.' :lmfao:
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